Redefining “Self-Care”
This piece is an opinion of an opinion, because self-care is really an opinion-based notion. At the very least, it’s a relative notion, dependent on the circumstances of one’s own life, and how it is perceived by the individual. What does it mean to care for one self? Who knew it would be such a convoluted concept, something as seemingly simple as caring for the self? Why is there a lofty presumption that “self-care” means we should be indulgent and spend hundreds of dollars on spa treatments and manicures and massages so that we feel like we’ve achieved it?
Upon thinking more deeply about the concept of self-care, it dawned on me that the whole idea is an opinion based on the individual’s perspective of life . I began to think about self-care in my own life, and what that might look like. The truth is, it has to be perceived relative to one’s lifestyle. Self-care is going to look different for everyone.
We can start with one simple question: what is the common denominator of most individuals’ lifestyles today? In my practice as a functional nutrition counselor and thermographer, I’ve never encountered a client who scores low for stress on an initial assessment. One thing we have achieved as a human society is total stress across every demographic. The obvious truth is that we all participate in a fast-paced, high-demand, always-on carousel of lifestyle.
This being said, I think there are some basic tenants of the principle of self-care that would apply to most people who might be reading this.
Number One:
“To be, or not to be, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler” - you get it. I’d like to swap out one word in literature’s most famous line for another word: to do, or not to do, that is the question. As a young mom who’s also a small business owner, homeschool teacher, and full-time short order cook in my home, the minutes are already in the negative when I wake up each morning. How am I going to “do self-care” if it means go get a massage at the spa or take time for a pedicure? These things cost me not only dollars, but also precious, precious minutes. So what might self-care look to someone like me? I’m not an uncommon demographic. In fact, most of the women I know are living on the same hamster wheel, and their main complaints are that there are not enough hours in the day. Not only do they not have time to spend on themselves, but they go to bed with guilt that they didn’t spend enough time with their children or partner.
This brings me back to my revised quote ‘to do, or not to do’. Having established time as our most valuable currency in the modern world, self-care would involve careful budgeting of the minutes. Where are you allocating your time? What unnecessary things are occupying your attention? It’s time to cut the fat and get rid of the things in your daily life that are stealing precious minutes of time from you. Can you be conscientious of the ways that you are spending your time in a way that brings you closer to living the life you want to look back on and cherish? To holding the pen and authoring the story of you?
*Sidenote: I wonder if Billy Shakespeare was a proponent of self-care?
Number Two:
Your perspective is everything. I think anyone can achieve self-care by simply changing one thing, and one thing only: your perspective. Let’s start with seeing ourselves differently. When you look in the mirror, see that person as if it were your own child. Seeing yourself through the caring lens of a nurturer (like, a mother figure) is going to evoke more empathy for yourself. Negative self-talk detracts from our innate ability to care for ourselves. If you were looking at your own child, would you talk to it the same harsh way you talk to yourself? Or that nasty habit you have (whatever it is) - if that was your child, surely you’d wish for them to, or even make them stop. Why is it any different for you? If you can start to see your own self with compassion and grace, you can actually start to move the needle of self-care.
There are 1440 minutes in every single day. That’s a lot of minutes to be nice to yourself. I personally used to struggle with setting high bars and expecting absolutely everything from myself. It was an unsatisfying lifestyle of never being enough for myself. Everything was unattainable, and even if a goal was met, I was already looking to the next goal. Imagine the message I’m sending myself and those around me: I’m never enough. There’s an inner voice in all of us that tells us when we’re comfortable, when we’re healthy, when something’s right, or when we’re in line with what our true goals are, and this perspective shift involves listening to that inner voice.
There’s a concept in Chinese that I love called Shen. Shen is spirit. It’s something that occupies the very center of your heart. When your Shen is disturbed, you can feel manic, depressed, and unfocused. When you see the beauty of the life around you, when you feel comfortable, settled, loved, and at ease, that’s your Shen. It’s in those heartfelt moments in life where you’re looking around and maybe you just feel overwhelming gratitude for life, in whatever little pockets of your world you can find it. We have to nourish our Shen if we’re going to love ourselves. Shen allows us to see clearly. And feel joy honestly. It ultimately allows us to slow down because it’s the opposite of anxiety. How you treat yourself in every ordinary moment, what you allow into your experience, is constantly shaping your Shen. On that note, it’s a critical component of self-care.
Number Three:
I asked my eight year-old son what it means to him when I say ‘self-care’ and his answer humbled me so deeply. He didn’t miss a beat, responding immediately that self-care is “lying under a big cozy blanket.” Of course I know there’s more to caring for yourself than getting under a blanket, but his eight-year-old perspective told me everything I never knew about self-care, which was that it’s all about bringing calmness to my nervous system. This is the truest route to self-care in my personal opinion. Our nervous systems are wrecked. In fact, the idea of self-care wouldn’t even exist if our nervous systems were intact. We have been ‘self-caring’ for millennia as hominids without having to label it; why all of a sudden is this such a widespread notion? Such a frenzied, unanswered idea? Because we don’t exist in the way our nervous systems have been designed to exist. We are always being stimulated, triggered, aroused, and exhausted in ways that the human body has never been challenged before. These ideas create the counteracting notion that we must otherwise create separate forms of “self-care”. A warm cozy blanket, encompassing your full physical being, blocking out the noise of the world, does immediately strike as self-care because it involves shutting off external stimuli. What’s more is you’ve managed to recreate a hug, knowing that you are at ease and within comfort. Does self-care need to be complicated? No, rather, it’s actually become a question of how to uncomplicate things.
A few more anecdotal thoughts, and I will leave you to your self-care . Stop postponing what it takes to recalibrate your system. If there is something that makes your body feel balanced, stop making excuses for it to not land a few of those precious minutes on your schedule. Put it on your calendar. Type it into your phone. For some it’s a walk, for some it’s a nap. Do it, whatever it looks like, the operative word being do.
And for those of you who have always been hard on your body, maybe self-care looks a little more laid-back. Is your body tired of being controlled, and has it quit responding to your efforts? Approach your body with a fresh perspective. Love it with every moment of the day, and be there for it even when you feel like you’ve failed (the way you would love and be there for your own child on a hard day). Honor it by loving it. Show yourself what unconditional love means by being there for yourself at the end of the day, no matter what that day looked like.
And lastly, self-care could potentially involve developing a relationship with a good friend called foresight. Guilty of over-scheduling yourself? Likely. Allow yourself a life in which you feel prepared instead of scrambled. Prioritize yourself in a way that simply involves looking ahead. Prep the food. Set out the kids’ clothes. Maybe plan the content or submit the proposal before the due date. That newly allocated free time is going to change your step.
I realized a lot about self-care simply thinking about it. In fact, I was able to realize that that’s the trick - slow down and actually think. The answer to self-care lies within. We all are born with the ability to listen to ourselves, and to know what’s calling out for our attention. In today’s world, the most helpful suggestion I can proffer is to start eliminating things and start slowing down. Self-care doesn’t have to be fancy or costly. It shouldn’t take your dollars or minutes. It should rejuvenate you, revitalize you, and it should result in making you feel excited to open your eyes every morning.
I am going to leave you with an actionable self-care plan based on our little one-way conversation:
Prioritize the things that you know you need, whether that’s a nap or a walk or a friend date or a reflexology appointment.
Start talking nicely to yourself ALWAYS (either out loud or in your head) to foster a graceful, caring relationship between you and yourself.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Of course, that might look different for every person - if you’ve been hard on yourself go easier; if you’ve been too easy on yourself (which creates work for the body), then pick it up a little bit. Balance.
Have foresight.
I didn’t even mention it in this entry yet, but it’s making it onto this actionable list because it’s a given: stop putting things in your body that are not going to serve it. Don’t load your body with crap, processed junk foods that are inflammatory and cancer-causing. Make conscientious choices about yourself as far as how you feed and treat yourself, and you will be deeply communicating true self-care.
No matter what actionable list I make, this one will always be on it: drink more water.
Last - invest in a high quality, all-encompassing blanket (possibly weighted) in case steps one through six should fail.
Bottom line: self-care looks different for everyone, it’s just a matter of finding your own personal balance. Enjoy what makes you feel seen by yourself, and also what allows your body to work with and for you instead of against you.
There are practitioners who can guide you in some of these areas that may seem foreign or overwhelming, and maybe that’s part of your individual self-care journey. Chiropractic care, Bowen therapy, acupuncture, and craniosacral therapy are examples that pack a lot of bang for your buck, and can be done as needed. There are also modalities that can give you information about yourself that would equip you to take the understanding of your body to the next level (insert shameless plug: thermography, for example, can show you things about yourself you aren’t able to see with the naked eye). Whatever it means to find balance, do that, and your body, mind, and spirit will interpret all your effort as self-care.